| Meh, winter months here we come. |
[26 Nov 2008|09:13am] |
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mood |
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music |
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Orbital - Halycon |
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I love winter. I really do. I love when I get incredibly cold and then enter into a warm house and you have that fuzzy feeling of inbetween freezing and hot. I love seeing snow and looking outside in all of that blistery bliss and realizing that only a plane of glass and some insulation is what's keeping me warm. I love to snuggle with someone warm under the blanket. I love to have snow ball fights, slip on the ice, and drive in the weather (none of that is sarcasm).
I don't love the feelings I get.
It's all incredibly heavy-handed. One thing will get me down, and it seems to open a flood gate for more items that I find wrong with my life. One small mistake suddenly turns into how I haven't changed in the past few years. How I feel that I'm the same as before. Which makes me disgusted, because just in this past spring I was all about how I've grown more mature, more independant. Alas, it seems my bragging was for nothing. At least it seems. I have changed, and I have to keep upbeat with it.
I've been incredibly sick lately. I want to find out what's wrong with me. Why I get dizzy and why my back shakes. Why I've been coughing horribly (but it seems to have lessened when I take Robitousen in the daytime, and Nyquil in the nighttime). Most of all, though, I really hope I won't have to look at angry little lines on my left arm. I really don't. I've already slipped up with three little cuts, and it's seemed to have sated the monster. But I'm always afraid that the urges will come back, stronger than before.
Ugh, I just want to be happy again. I'm tired of making emo posts, but it's all I seem to think about. Maybe if after I post this and go shopping and have lunch with a great friend, I'll feel better, knowing that I got this off of my chest and one more person knows about how I feel on the inside.
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